People tend to attach “toxic” to anything or anyone they find upsetting. Clearly, employing the term correctly requires context-and a thorough understanding of the reason for the showy displays. True love-bombing is relatively rare and most commonly used in abusive relationships, often by people with narcissism. For example, a man might shower his girlfriend with excessive attention and extravagant trips to make her feel obligated to and dependent on him. “Love-bombing is inundating somebody with love and affection, either to make up for abusive behavior or to control or manipulate somebody,” Torres-Mackie says. When someone makes grand gestures to the object of their affection, bystanders can be quick to call it “love-bombing”-though actually, it could be totally normal excitement. Say two people are newly dating, and one is lavishing the other with gifts and compliments. Treatment typically consists of talk therapy and, in some situations, medication. It can also manifest as an inability to cope with criticism, and it’s most commonly diagnosed in men, Tenaglia says. Narcissistic personality disorder is a clinical diagnosis that can involve characteristics such as an exaggerated sense of talent and self-importance fantasies of power and beauty a tendency to take advantage of others and a deep need for attention and admiration. While it might feel good to call your frenemy who only talks about herself a narcissist, mental-health experts suggest refraining. “I see narcissism being especially misapplied when it’s used to label someone who exhibits qualities that someone might not like.” The term is “thrown around so carelessly,” says Jacquelyn Tenaglia, a licensed mental health counselor based in Boston. One of the internet’s favorite diagnoses is that someone is a narcissist-which has become shorthand for anyone who appears self-centered or entitled. That’s why some books, movies, and other types of media often include “ trigger warnings”-an appropriate use of the term-to let consumers know the content might be disturbing for trauma survivors. “This can cause an emotional and physiological reaction before the person even realizes why they’re upset.” “The brain and body respond as if they were in the moment again,” she says. Or someone recovering from a substance-use disorder might be triggered by seeing a character on TV using their drug of choice. For example, a war veteran could be triggered by hearing gunshots, leading to distressing flashbacks, Martinez says. It often feels like the trauma is happening again-or that it will at any second. In its truest sense, however, being triggered means encountering a reminder of a traumatic experience, followed by a response like flashbacks, self-harming thoughts, or a panic attack. (A recent search on Reddit revealed that people were triggered by a celebrity’s red-carpet dress, slow walkers, and a bad scene in an animated movie.) The word “triggered” has become a common way to express feeling offended or shocked. “When we hear the use of the word ‘traumatized’ in this very casual sense, it trivializes what trauma and being traumatized actually is.” Many PTSD sufferers, she adds, have died by suicide to escape the pain. People with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), for example, can experience intense distress that makes them feel like they’re reliving the horrible emotions of earlier traumatic experiences. Trauma is “a serious, often chronic physiological disruption of the nervous system,” Martinez says. You tripped and fell in front of a bunch of people? How traumatizing!īut therapists would prefer you use a more precise term, like embarrassing, mortifying, shocking, or upsetting. “It can be a very coercive and controlling tactic.” Traumatized For example, someone might repeatedly insist that an event “never happened”-even though it did-or say something like, “It’s not that big of a deal,” or “You’re too sensitive.” “The intent of gaslighting really is to cause confusion and sow the seeds of doubt,” Martinez says. True gaslighting, she explains, occurs when someone manipulates you into questioning “your sanity, your experience, your memory, even your reality.” It often happens within abusive relationships (like the one between the married protagonists of the 1944 psychological thriller film Gaslight, from which the term originated). “People often use it in this accusatory way-maybe the person who’s ‘gaslighting’ isn’t taking responsibility for their actions. “I hear it all the time,” says Elisa Martinez, a psychotherapist based in California. Perhaps the most often misconstrued word of the past few years, “gaslighting” has been widely adopted as a way to describe any act that’s insensitive, a lie, or simply a difference of opinion.
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